The airwaves are filled with Princess Diana stories tonight. It's the year anniversary of her death. In an unusual desire for stupefaction I spent hours watching tv. It was entertaining in a ghastly sort of way. I flipped between a truly dreadful movie about Charles and Diana, which thoroughly depressed me, and a special on Madonna, which eventually depressed me but not as badly. If I weren't already depressed by John leaving for a conference I doubt I'd be emotionally affected by these programs. After all, they're about two impossibly rich, glamorous, ambitious, beautiful women and the men in their lives. Why would I care?
I care because I'm a dope.
I always loved the way Diana looked. If I could be beautiful that's how I'd want to look: tall, slim, huge blue eyes, defined jawline, perfect skin, slightly oversized nose and hands and feet, a million-watt smile. Her personality was almost unimportant, particularly since I only ever saw her in photos, but her situation was endlessly fascinating. Madonna comes across as scarily focused on herself, but she is impossible not to watch as she morphs from look to look. I think she has an extraordinarily beautiful body. Her attitude is often hard and calculating whenever she's on camera so I've never felt the same sense of proprietary affection that I felt for the Princess. On the other hand, I bet Madonna would be ten times more fun to talk to. I've often had a sneaking admiration for her toughness. She earned her superstar status, baby.
Playing my CD of thunder and rain sounds has helped alleviate the depression; rain always soothes my spirits. I may not be a princess or a pop star, but I'm pleased with where I've gotten to in my life. I'm also in the 15th year of a very happy, long-term relationship which is something neither of them found. It's what we all want, isn't it? That loving, warm, supportive person who will help us become more than the sum of our parts. Lord knows why I've been lucky enough to find it. Some of my most deserving friends never have. Luck is only part of it, of course, but all the same it's hard to accept that some of those wonderful people are never going to have a partner. I really bought that line about there being someone for everyone, you know? I'm a sentimental and dismayingly romantic person at heart, and I wish life were fair.
As I said, I'm a dope. That's okay. I'm a happy dope.
