I meant to go, but I just couldn't. Not only do I have a hell of a lot of packing to start on, I feel upset and anxious, wanting to hide, a cornered animal. Going to a party would be unwise. Of course, now on top of everything else I feel like a bum for not going. I've been letting people down again. I said yes, then no, to Michael on Friday when he asked me to come by the cafe and have a chat. I said yes to Jen, then had to leave an apologetic message on her answering machine letting her know I wasn't coming to her party after all. That makes me feel rotten. I don't like being someone who strings other people along, even if I didn't intend to do it. I hate breaking promises.

That's bad enough. What's really worrying me is I am failing to keep my promises to my clients. I say I'll do whatever they've asked, whether that's issue a ticket, make a hotel reservation, find a seat assignment, come up with an upgrade coupon, or research a problem. I have to. It's my job. I can't say no, and I don't want to say no. But I am losing track of promises, and running out of time to keep the ones I remember.

I am very nearly hysterical from overwork. I am slipping, badly, and it's going to rebound on my clients. I don't care if I get fired, you know. I could get another job tomorrow, I won't miss a rent payment. But I care very much about my clients' vacations, and budgets, and satisfaction. I care about my reputation, too. Break too many promises and no one comes back.

So I went into work today. I've never gone in on a Saturday before, not in the two years I've been at the Agency That Never Shuts Up. I had to. I lay in bed Friday night with my heart racing and tears rolling down my cheeks, frantic about work undone and deadlines passed. I rehearsed conversations with my boss, alternating between brutal honesty and soft logic, unable to stop fantasizing about just quitting and leaving this monumental stress behind. But I can't, and I don't want it to end this way anyway. Instead, I went in and sweated over three very difficult rate configurations, finally issuing a total of twenty tickets. I answered some email. I booked a couple of tickets that would have been sky high on Monday because of missed deadlines. I could easily have stayed there another two hours working on all the peripheral stuff I need to do. Only I didn't, because I shouldn't have to come in on Saturdays at all. We need another full time agent, and we've needed one since January. I am very angry, and very stressed, and my clients don't understand why we give such bad service. I'm tired of apologizing. I'm tired of feeling bad

I'm so terribly tired.

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